Plans and Changes
by Madd Aless
Summary: Spoilers: through season six "AItS"  Starts with possible Sam POV while Dean is upstairs talking and continues onward after regaining what was lost. This is an expansion on my series of drabbles.  Original drabbles listed chronolgically in chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

Spoilers: through season six "AItS" Starts with a possible Sam POV while Dean is upstairs talking during the final scene and continuing onward after regaining what was lost.

This will be an expansion of my series of drabbles. Original drabbles are in chapter 2

Disclaimer: The supernatural characters are not mine:

SPSPSPSP

Sam was once more cuffed to the panic room cot. Once again, by their standards he was out of control and so they'd locked him up. This time he had tried to save himself, by sacrificing Bobby.

It wasn't that he'd wanted to kill Bobby, in fact he hadn't cared one way or the other until hearing Balthazar's solution for remaining soul free. But while he had managed to out flank Bobby, Dean had ultimately stopped him from completing the spell. They were refusing to consider the consequences if that plan failed. They'd left him no choice, but to try and protect himself though they couldn't or wouldn't understand that. Most Winchester plans failed based on the past experience, not that Dean really cared. If Dean couldn't have 'his little brother, his Sammy that he had always looked out for' then apparently Dean didn't want him at all.

It was actually Dean's fault that he'd nearly killed Bobby, because if Dean hadn't been so insistent on returning Sam's soul, then Sam wouldn't have sought Balthazar's help in the first place. Staying soul free carried a 100% chance of continued survival and sanity. Dean's latest crazy plan gave him a chance of a life with a soul but only if that wall stayed up. Sam knew his past and if things had a chance to go wrong they usually did

What was so horrible about how he was now? Sam wondered. Would he really be better off with emotions? As he was he didn't stress, worry, or feel guilty about things beyond his control or things that needed to be done to get the job done. Okay, so he occasionally hurt people but he had been getting the job done more efficiently which most would say was ultimately a good thing, right?

Incarceration in the panic room was to be expected since he had stopped going along with Dean's plans to get his soul back. Sam calculated there was no way they'd free him, not unless they figured out how to restore his soul. Sam had lost his chance. With or without soul, once again his life was no longer his to choose.

It didn't matter what he wanted just as he'd pointed out to Bobby. His future was not his. It would be decided for him based on Dean's judgment and decisions.

Dean had just shut the grate into the Panic Room, leaving him chained up and locked in, so Sam figured Dean's deal with Death hadn't worked. Sam wished he could find reassurance in that but he knew all that it really meant was Dean would try and find another way, likely one with even less chance of success that the mental wall thing had had.

Indefinite incarceration could be his future or if Dean found another way to return his soul, suffering, probably followed shortly thereafter by insanity. Most everyone, except Dean, believed that the likely outcome of his regaining his soul would be painful and probably cost him his sanity, which was basically all he had left. Sam wasn't really sure which would be worse, a mind but no life or a life but no mind.

SPSPSP

All the sudden Sam was no longer alone. There was a gaunt man at the foot of his cot and while Sam wasn't sure it only made sense if it was Death himself. Somehow Dean had done it convinced Death to put his soul back in and Sam was terrified.

The gaunt man sat his bag on the end of the cot and when he opened it Sam saw the brilliant light he knew had to be his soul. Death was explaining to him about the wall and telling him how it would itch and warning him not to scratch.

He looked over and saw Dean and Bobby standing the doorway. Sam did the only thing he could he pleaded for his sanity.

After reaching into the bag, Death's hand was like the sun, light so blinding you shouldn't look at it and yet Sam continued to stare at that approaching hand struggling in vain against his chains. He once again begged Dean to care, to have mercy, to save him, to help him. He tried to point out that they didn't know what would happen, but Dean only stared back and did nothing.

Sam expected pain but beyond that what? Once that hand touched him there was no knowing what would happen.

Sam once again faced Death, begging and pleading with him to stop. They'd promised the memories of the cage would be behind the wall, but how long would the wall hold?

Did it really matter? For even without the actual Hell memories, there was still the past including his actions this last year, now to be remembered with all the guilt of having a soul and conscience.

Then the hand touched him and all he could feel was pain, pain worse than when he had hallucinated Alistair so long ago in this very room. Eventually darkness overtook him and he sank into unconsciousness.

SPSPSP

The screams had finally stopped. Dean knelt at his brother's side, tentatively touching the side of Sam's neck. Was his brother still alive? Yes, there, a pulse, weak but steady. Dean breathed a small sigh of relief. Death had disappeared before the screaming even ended. Sam lay quiet now, drenched from the sweat of his struggles and his fear.

Releasing the cuffs, Dean noticed the damage done by Sam's struggles. Taking his brother's hand, Dean wondered if all was well. Unconscious or asleep, Sam was alive, but was he whole? Dean wasn't sure which and now it was his turn to fear the outcome. His brother was alive and his soul was back, but what about his mind? Had he destroyed his brother instead of saving him? No, that thing hadn't truly been Sam. It had had his memories but not his emotions, not that which made him human, his emotions, the heart of his humanity.

Dean was not one for praying but he did that when Sam awakened he was whole with a soul and emotions. His brother whom he had always looked after, cared for, loved, and protected. Human once again instead of the unfeeling monster he had been but more importantly that he was once again Dean's baby brother, his beloved Sammy.

"Dean, go get some sleep, son," said Bobby standing in the doorway, "hovering won't help."

"Okay," Dean agrees walking out the door. "No Bobby, don't lock it. Sam has his soul now, he should be free to come upstairs when he wakes."

"Okay but I don't like it," mutters Bobby.

"Don't Bobby, he is going to be fine. I saved him. He has his soul now and he will be okay."

SPSPSPSP

Sam lay quietly staring at the fan overhead. He was still in the panic room but at least someone had removed the cuffs, while he slept. He figured he had slept for the first time in more than a year after he passed out from the physical pain of regaining his soul.

That pain was fading, but other memories were causing a pain far worse. He had almost killed Bobby trying to use Balthazar's spell. He had let Dean get turned by the vampires, because it was convenient. He had stood by while Castiel had hurt that child. He had injured so many both physically and mentally not to mention emotionally in the last year. He had killed, he had tortured, and maybe worse failed to try to help so many. Some had died and some might have been better off dead. It hadn't mattered all that had mattered was the job as he'd seen it needed doing and worse yet once again he had been following a demon's agenda. Once again he had been manipulated to follow a demonic plan leaving pain and death behind just like in the past.

Remorse, betrayal, failure, and guilt, these were the emotions that came of having a soul, emotions that brought little but pain. Of it all, there was only one pain he might could do something about.

Sam reached slowly down to the wounds left by the cuffs, and gently began massage his wrist.

SPSPSP

Sam sat waiting until plans were made. The cuffs had been removed and maybe the door had been left unlocked. Sam wasn't sure. He hadn't left the Panic Room, he hadn't even tried to. He wasn't sure what to expect, would they want him hunting or something else. It didn't much matter to Sam. There was no way out, no escape. Even death would bring no peace at this point. A return trip to Hell, even if not to the cage itself, was something to be avoided. Unless he could find a way to erase his entire existence, he might as well keep fighting if they would let him. Dean enjoyed being a hero and would probably want to get back to the 'family business' as soon as possible. At least then he might could save others again or at least protect Dean and try to make up for some of the pain he had caused.

No, The decisions wouldn't be his, even if Sam could trust his own judgment which he didn't. Lucifer had shown him the truth of his past and the hopelessness of his attempts at changing destiny. Sam now knew all his life he had been manipulated by demons. He had made so many decisions trusting the good in the world and in himself. He had had faith. Trusting that good would conquer evil, which he now knew had been nothing more than illusion and false hope.

Dean had always been happiest making plans, leading the way, and choosing the path for both of them. Dean had always taken charge when Dad was not around to give the orders. Now that Dad was never coming back, Dean would continue making decisions for both of them without being asked just like he had all their lives. The difference was this time Sam intended to follow those orders. Dean was usually right or found a way to fix it. With Dean making the decisions there would be little need to plan or even try think for himself, all Sam need do was be a good little soldier and follow big brother's orders.

Death had been right about the wall being itchy and Sam was doing his best not to 'scratch'. Hell, he was doing his best not to remember or even think, much less plan.

He kept remembering all his bad decisions, only now with regrets and remorse once again. Finally he felt a cool draft as the door opened.

SPSPSPSP

Walking into the Panic Room Dean looks over and sees his brother sitting on the cot, "You Okay, Sammy?"

"Yes"

"So, you ready to get out of here. Get back on the road? Back to work?"

"Yes"

"Great. I found us a hunt. It's a couple days drive, that okay with you."

"Yes," Sam replied. Just as he had figured Dean had found them a hunt.

"I'm not sure it is our kinda thing but it sounds weird enough, especially with all the strange shit lately. So, you ready to get back to the business of saving people and not just hunting things?"

"Yes," Sam answers once again knowing nothing else will be required beyond agreement with Dean's plan.

"We're headed south," says Dean turning and heading back up the stairs, "So you coming or what Sam?"

"Yes," Sam mutters heading toward the stairs. Glancing back toward the Panic Room he realizes things are returning to their usual patterns no matter how different he might feel.

SPSPSP

Reaching the Impala, Sam automatically pulls open the passenger side door and gets in. At least he doesn't have to think about things, make plans, or decide the future, he can just follow orders and keep mostly silent.

As Dean cranks up the music, Sam doesn't even grimace he just looks out the window remembering that long ago day of "Driver picks the music and shotgun shuts his cakehole."

It had been one of the first days on the road with Dean and one of his last days of innocent hope. Back then he'd still believed the future could be safe and good, that he had chance at a normal life, at happiness, that he had some choice in his future. He knew better now.

Suddenly the lyrics snag his attention and he suppresses cynical laughter, yes, carry on that is all that is really left for him now. Peace when you are done, no that will never be for him.

It'll never be done, there will always be another monster and another hunt.

Laying his weary head to rest sounds good though so Sam leans back against the seat and stares out the window. Without realizing he starts to hum along never noticing the tear that silently rolls down his face as he drifts off to sleep.

"Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."

As the song ends, Dean glances over at Sam and a slight smile touches his face to see his brother once again sleeping in the passenger seat.

SPSPSPSP

A/N Lousy title but hope you have enjoyed this expansion on my ideas of what happen near the end of and after AItS.


	2. Chapter 2

These are my drabbles in their original forms put in chronological story order (not by publishing date)

Spoilers: through season six "AItS" Starts with a possible Sam POV while Dean is upstairs talking during the final scene and continuing onward after regaining what was lost. This is an expansion of my series of drabbles.

Disclaimer: The supernatural characters are not mine:

SPSPSPSP

SPSPSPSP (To Be Decided) word = flank

Sam was once again cuffed to the panic room cot.

They'd left him no choice, but they couldn't, wouldn't understand that.

He had managed to out flank Bobby, but Dean had stopped him from following through on Balthazar's solution to remaining soul free.

He had tried to save himself, by sacrificing Bobby.

Sam knew there was no way they'd free him not unless they figured out how to restore his soul.

Incarceration or if his soul could be returned, suffering and probably insanity.

His future was not his.

It would be decided for him based on Dean's judgment and decisions.

SPSPSPSP (Fear the Light) challenge – metaphor usage

His hand was like the sun, light so blinding you shouldn't look at it and yet Sam continued to stare at the approaching hand in fear.

Once that hand touched him there was no knowing what would happen.

Sam expected pain but beyond that what?

They'd promised the memories of the cage would be behind the wall, but how long would the wall hold?

Did it really matter?

For even without the actual Hell memories, there was still the past including his actions this last year, now to be remembered with all the guilt of having a soul and conscience.

SPSPSPSP (His Brothers' Side) word = side

The screams had finally stopped.

Dean knelt at his brother's side, tentatively touching the side of Sam's neck.

There, a pulse.

Death had disappeared before the screaming ended. Sam lay quiet now, drenched from the sweat of his fear, unconscious or asleep, Dean wasn't sure which.

His brother was alive and his soul was back, but what about his mind?

Releasing the cuffs, Dean noticed the damage done by Sam's struggles.

Taking his brother's hand, Dean wondered if all was well.

Sam was alive, but was he whole?

More importantly was he once again Dean's baby brother, his beloved Sammy.

SPSPSPSP (Awakening) word = massage

Sam lay quietly staring at the fan overhead.

He was still in the panic room but at least someone had removed the cuffs, while he slept.

He'd passed out from the physical pain of regaining his soul. That pain was fading, but other memories caused pain far worse.

Dean and the vampires

Bobby and Balthazar's spell.

Remorse, betrayal, failure, and guilt, the pain and emotions of having a soul.

Of it all, there was only one pain he might could do something about.

Sam reached slowly down to the wounds left by the cuffs, and gently began massage his wrist.

SPSPSPSP (Being Right ) word = cool

Death had been right about the wall and Sam was doing his best not to 'scratch'.

Sam sat waiting until plans were made, remembering all his bad decisions, only now with regrets and remorse once again.

He felt a cool draft as the door opened. The cuffs had been removed and the door left unlocked but Sam hadn't left the Panic Room.

He wasn't sure what to expect, would they want him hunting or something else.

The decision wouldn't be his, Dean would continue making decisions for both of them.

Sam need only follow orders.

Big Brother was always right.

SPSPSPSP (Saying Yes) challenge – a conversation

Walking into the Panic Room Dean asked "You Okay, Sammy?"

"Yes"

"So, you ready to get out of here."

"Yes"

"That's good. I found us a hunt. It's a couple days drive, that okay with you."

"Yes"

"I'm not sure it is our kinda thing but it sounds weird enough, especially with all the strange shit lately. So, you ready to get back to saving people?"

"Yes."

"We're headed south," says Dean turning and heading back up the stairs, "You coming Sam?"

"Yes," Sam mutters realizing things are returning to their usual patterns no matter how different he might feel.

SPSPSP(Carrying On) word = pull

Reaching the Impala, Sam automatically pulls open the passenger side door.

As Dean cranks up the music, Sam remembers that long ago day of "Driver picks the music and shotgun shuts his cakehole."

Back then he'd still believed he had some choice in his future. He knew better now.

Suddenly the lyrics snag his attention and he suppresses cynical laughter, peace when you are done. It'll never be done. Laying his weary head to rest sounds good and without realizing he starts to hum along never noticing the tear that rolls down his face as he drifts off to sleep.

SPSPSPSP

Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more.

Above is the chorus to the song by Kansas not that most of us don't know it by heart.


End file.
